when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
