hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
