How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
