My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
