I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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