problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
