he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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