I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
