His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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