am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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