Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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