They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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