she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
