Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
