Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize