his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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