No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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