I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
