So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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