Welp...herpes.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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