Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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