I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
