im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
