oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
