He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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