I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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