Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
