whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
