Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
