i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
