I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
