Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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