i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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