Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
