I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
