I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
