I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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