porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
