we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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