I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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