I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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