went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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