Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
