$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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