apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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