He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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