My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
