if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
