my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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