Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
