What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
