Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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