can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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