guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
