his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
