so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
