Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
