So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
im calling her cock vulture from now on
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
