You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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