Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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