i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
